Spicey Wobitz

Seriously, from now on, whenever I need a boost of confidence, I am going down to the Area Five Police Headquarters Circuit Court. We had to go yesterday to see that justice was served and that "Paisan", as Rose and I have christened him, went to jail... or something. Oh the characters...including our motley crew. Let's begin with us: Jamie decided to go with a black collared housewife dress, knitted shawl and pearls. All she needed was a martini and a vaccum. Rose went for 10th grade creative writing teacher in a green blouse with white polka dots, black cardigan and tan skirt. Oh, and pearls. I looked like myself, but like myself when I don't look homeless. Striped sweater, crisp polo, corduroy skirt, green velcro buster browns, huge Harry Caray sunglasses, ridiculous earrings... yeah. Like myself. Dave looked like himself too. He had on his traditional vest, slacks, tie and glasses. I was very pleased with us. So was everyone else. They were staring appreciatively :). Paisan and his dad looked like some chumps. Which they are. Most of the people were sort of fucked up but there were worse offenders than others.

When we were called for our case, we walked out to the hall to confer with the prosecuter, who was teetering on the brink of hotness. In contrast, Paisan's lawyer looked like a cross between The Naked Trucker and offensive Italian stereotype. His wedding ring was a) huge b) orangeish c) looked like it was from a gumball machine. He had a friendly enough face but since he was on the wrong side, he was subject to our ridicule. Unlike the hot-ish prosecuter who I suspect might have been a douche, but since he was on the right side, his smirk and strut were charming. I'm like 91% sure he's actually a douche.

Who else... OK, the public defender. He was hil-AR-ious. He had this one defendant who needed a translator. The judge and the translator were talking to the defendant and the public defender's eyes kept widening humorously. Apparently, he had no idea that his client was going to do and say the stuff he was doing/saying...via the translator. It was so outrageous in fact, that the judge said to him "Is your client mentally competent" "Well... I thought so until about a minute and a half ago." HAHAHAHAHA After the case he kept shaking his head in disbelief. He was kind of like your uncle at the BBQ who has awesome stories to tell about super irrelevant shit but you love his opinion.

The whole court staff was a mess though. The judge with his sarcastic asides, the flustered translator with her outfit that wouldn't stay put, the lady that kept announcing the cases kept dropping files and handing out the wrong ones and whispering to people, the prosecuters with their private jokes... Some of the defendants were a trip. This one kid, he looked about 19, was sentenced to "Successful completion of drug school." His response? "Cool." He was wearing a puffy jacket and some sort of 1/2 backpack 1/2 satchel that looked like it was free at a Cubs game. His haircut bewildered us all. We weren't sure if it was bed head or if he requested that someone do that to him. Wow.

And the honorable mention goes to the chick who walked into court looking a hot mess and carrying a huge mirror. She looked like one of the Belmont trash we used to kick out of starbux back in the day. At first we thought she might be a dude but no. She was lady folks.

To celebrate, we went to Baba Reba(sp) and to the Aroma Workshop. I got to name Dave's new fragrance but he came up with the spelling. Spicey Wobitz.

Oh Rexy, You're SO Sexy

I cut all my hair off. I might as well have been in the bathroom at a record store in 1996 with The Cranberries playing in the background, anticipating the arrival of "Rex Manning". God. I hope I don't regret it but so far people are liking it. I've felt like quite the badass today even though I'm not one at all. I have to be in court tomorrow and come across as the complete opposite of a badass and what do I do? I cut all my hair off. What's more, I'm gonna cut some more when I get home. Call me Scissor Happy Jack!

I told beloved friend Jody that I was gonna write a creepy blog today about how much I love her but that will have to wait until after I do "Four Things" as Lost in CO has requested :)

Four Jobs I have had in my life:
Starfucker (as in working in Hell, aka Starbux, not being a professinal groupie)
Computer Lab Assistant
Media Relations Coordinator
Music Analyst

Four Movies I would watch/have watched over and over:
Coming to America
But I'm A Cheerleader
A Christmas Story
I'm Gonna Git U Sucka


Four Places I have lived:
Chicago, Illinois
New York, New York
Jacksonville, Illinois (Japan)
A van down by the river (Lisle, Illinois)

Four TV Shows that I watch:
Top Chef
South Park
America's Next Top model
30 Rock

Four Places I have visited:
I haven't been anywhere but Canada and 46 of our 50 states

Four People who email me regularly:
Blogger
Jeff
Colin
Facebook

Four Favorite Foods:
Mac n Cheese
Chicken Curry
Monica's Famous Collard Greens
White Castle

Four Places I would like to be right now:
In bed
Camping
With Mommy
New York

Four Things I am looking forward to this year:
PNW
NYC
Music festivals
Wyoming

On to Jody. Who I love. Who I want to hug and who says she wants to bite my face. Whenever I see an Olive Garden commercial, I choke up a little and think about our ridiculous pretend dates. "Hey baby, I'mma treat you right! We're going to Olive Garden." And go we did. Across state lines even. On multiple occasions. The best ever was the time at karaoke when we sang "Mad About You" and "Love the One You're With" together and everyone thought we were this cute couple. Yeah...we like boys. But we love each other a lot. Hence, the creepy blog I am writing about her. I love you J-GO! I'll be there soon for a vist, a hug, and arm in arm frolicking through Brooklyn.

Top Chef

Hm... haven't had much to say in some time. Still kinda don't. I'm kind of traumatized by food at the moment... still... but I love televised cooking competitions. I'm watching Top Chef. Here are some early impressions.

Spike - HOT(ish) and a bit(lot) assy. But I like him.

Mark - a cross between Bret and Murray from Flight of the Conchords

Erik - seems like an awesome fella. Quote of the year "Dude, I made nachos...nachos."

Dale - did he go to grade school with me? he didn't but...did he?

Andrew - hilarious. hilariously spastic. but hilarious.

Nicky - reminds me of a woman at work who has always been very sweet toward me but is apparently not the best person.

Valerie - reminds me of Rachel Dratch (Debbie Downer). I fear for her in this competition.

I bored of the competitors beyond these few. On to the judges.

Padma - so so pretty... so so stoned

Tom - I think we would get along famously

Wiley DeFresne was on tonight!

I don't like when Anthony Bourdain isn't on. I want to be BFF with him.

I'm bored again.

Peace

Death Does Not...repeat NOT Become Me

First, let us never forget the tragic events of 8/8/2002. For those who care, you may take a moment to remember Moti Mahal, and its residence at Belmont and Kenmore across from Belmont apartment. I'm glad they had to close. Boo fucking hoo. They tried to kill me. But that was years ago. Let's talk about today.

Every superhero has a weakness. Mine is one that everyone has to know about for my own safety, but is dangerous in the wrong hands. Food allergies. I'm allergic to a little of everything, a lot of some things. Sigh. I'll start the story off fluffy.

The thing about new friends is that it's hard to say no to them. You always want to hang out with them. They haven't become old friends yet. You don't want them to go away. It's always gonna be more fun to do what they're doing. Etc etc etc. So I made a plan to go walking around with New Friend. We were gonna go to this one cafe and play Monopoly too but it was closed. So we were walking around and were talking about food but I wasn't hungry at all. Since the alternative was going home, and I didn't feel like it yet, I suggested we go to El Cid. I can always manage to eat a burrito. I ordered a burrito with no beans. When the waitress forgot what I ordered and came back to confirm, I reiterated: No Beans. I don't feel the need to complete the story in too much detail. You know what happened, otherwise I wouldn't be upset right now. Yeah, I ate a mouthful of burrito with beans in it. Well, I didn't "eat" it. I spit it out and went into a panic. Believe me, even though I spit it out, just being in my mouth was sufficient to cause me some damage. My mouth was burning and swelling and I was concentrating all of my energy on not crying and trying to convince myself to PLEASE not swell up too bad. Mild success on that. Mild.

I just remembered. A few weeks ago I went to Arturo's and ordered a gordita with no beans. I was watching them behind the counter look at the finished order, talk to each other, look at again, shrug and come over to me. The waitress plunks it down in front of me and says "No beans." There were beans on the mother fucker. Listen. I don't like to have to tell people "I am ALLERGIC! You will KILL ME!" I don't want to have to do that. I want people to just listen to what I say, and get it right. And for the love of god, don't try to put one over on me. It's my life! At least at El Cid, they didn't try to trick me. They made a mistake and owned up to it. Not that I'm cool with it, but at least I can respect their honesty. I guess I got too comfortable not living in constant fear of death. Welcome back paranoia!

If I sound like I am exaggerating, ask Natalie what I looked like in the ambulance after the tragic events of 8/8/02. She might have been just as traumatized as me and I was the one dying. You ever see the film "Mask"? Yeah like that. And I ain't talking about Cher. (I have 4 other similar stories but I do not have the emotional wherewithal to go into it)

Apparently, tonight they mixed up my and someone else's order and so I got a beany burrito. I didn't die. The swelling has gone down. My throat isn't all fucked up anymore... but I'm angry and traumatized. I'm not suing anyone. I'm fine now. I need to just stay inside my house at all times and only eat food that I cook myself. It stinks to know exactly how you are probably going to die one day and that it hurts a lot.

Yet Another Complex: Napoleon

I feel like there is a conspiracy to make me beat someone up. I am really really bad at beating up, mind you. I will not go into the details of why I can no longer say "I've never been in a fight" but suffice it to say, when I try to beat people up and kill them, it doesn't work. Also, I am fine and no one hit me or anything but I feel like a failure as a superhero. Aaaaaaaanyway. So yeah, this conspiracy to get me to beat someone up....

I don't want to be thought of as a hothead or someone who's out there "lookin for trouble" but damn! People are asking for it! Just this morning, I was on my way to work and i tried unsuccessfully to cross the street. As I headed back to the supposed safety of the curb, some dude who looked like either a college sophomore or an intern at a low level production company, just walks right into me. It kinda hurt. He kept walking. I said "Yes, you're excused" and he turned around and smiled, then kept going. WTF? Sigh. A few days ago, some hurrying older gentleman was walking behind me and kicked me in the foot. When I turned around he rushed around me. Seriously, if you arre in a hurry and need to get past me, just say "Excuse me" and go. You don't have to kick me in the foot...bitch...

In defense of the masses who assault me regularly, I am apparently in the way quite a bit. Why just the other day I was walking around with this box at an awkward angle and hitting people with it. Completely oblivious. It had to be pointed out to me, when I kept mentioning that everyone wanted to kick my ass, that I was hitting them with my box. Well they should have said something rather than just look at me like they wanted to kill me. Shit, I would have said something. I think I might be turning into one of those aggro meathead assholes... Whatever, I'm short.

I'm gonna play a video because it has been a while. Sit back and enjoy a steaming mug of the 1990s with me.



Tripping Daisy - I Got A Girl